pen pictures

Nikki-itis

In my last post, I was talking about the way women treat a man’s interest in them as something unnatural, assuming that the guy doesn’t look good enough for them.

I actually knew a woman who referred to my affection as a disease. Let’s say her name was Nikki (it wasn’t). She was alright, although ultimately she probably wasn’t my type. At any rate, when I suggested that we ought to be more than friends, (which is a ridiculous phrase, “more than friends.” However, everyone knows exactly what you mean when you say it.) So anyway, I ask her this and she says no. Then she brushes the whole thing off:

“you just have Nikki-itis.” she said. She went on to explain that this happened to a lot of guys, so she had coined this quaint little diagnosis to describe the condition of any dude who, despite being unattractive or un-wealthy, persisted in some kind of strange desire to acquire for himself a female companion that he liked.

She didn’t even have the class to finish with something witty like “the cure is two martinis followed by a cajun bloody-mary in the morning.” No, she seemed to think that it was enough to have devised “Nikki-itis.” Wow! such class.

It turned out that what she wanted was a rich guy, not an attractive one. This is smarmy but more fair than most women. I mean if you’re going to let some schmuck rub his junk all over you, you might as well get something worth keeping out of the eventual divorce.

on dogs

Whenever I fall in love with a pretty girl, she usually tells me that she wants to be friends. In one particularly smarmy example of this, a woman actually gave me a short lecture on how much more important friendship is than a serious relationship. “You might not understand this,” she said in an instructive tone of voice, “but I have had relationships and I know that friendship is better.” Nice. What does she think I’ve never been with a woman before?

Anyway, her love of friendship doesn’t prevent her from getting drunk and making out with strange guys, provided they are skinny and slightly gay looking. All of which brings to mind that useful line from The Outlaw Jose Wales: “don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s rainin”

This is why when somebody tries to talk to me about the importance of friendship, I tell them “Thanks, but I’m not interested, I already have two dogs at home and they make better friends than you will.”

See, a dog is a true judge of your character. They don’t care whether or not you look like you could be in the cast of Grey’s Anatomy. No doubt it would be nice to look like that. Then I suppose I could get smarmy girls to make out with me in bars. However, a dog is just not interested in how you look.

Dogs decide whether or not to hang with you based on how you act. If you treat a dog properly, he or she will give you complete and unaffected loyalty. Y’know, the kind that people claim to give you all the time. If you treat them poorly, they will do the same for you.

So don’t give me any crap about friendship and how great it is to be friends. On one hand, any single woman who speaks to me about the value of friendship is full of shit. On the other hand, I already have two friends that no woman could hope to match.

on women continued

In my last post, I was talking about the way women treat a man’s interest in them as something unnatural, assuming that the guy doesn’t look good enough for them.

I actually knew a woman who referred to my affection as a disease. Let’s say her name was Nikki (it wasn’t). She was alright, although ultimately she probably wasn’t my type. At any rate, when I suggested that we ought to be more than friends, which is a ridiculous phrase, “more than friends.” However, everyone knows exactly what you mean when you say it. So anyway, I ask her this and she says no. Then she brushes the whole thing off:

“you just have Nikki-itis.” she said. She went on to explain that this happened to a lot of guys, so she had coined this quaint little diagnosis to describe the condition of any dude who, despite being unattractive or un-wealthy, persisted in some kind of strange desire to acquire for himself a female companion that he liked.

She didn’t even have the class to finish with something witty like “the cure is two martinis followed by a cajun bloody-mary in the morning.” No, she seemed to think that it was enough to have devised “Nikki-itis.” Wow! such class.

It turned out that what she wanted was a rich guy, not an attractive one. This is smarmy but more fair than most women. I mean if you’re going to let some schmuck rub his junk all over you, you might as well get something worth keeping out of the eventual divorce.

Here’s something that really pisses me off. I’m sure that many of you feel the same way. So ok, picture this scenario: you meet a pretty woman. You get to know her a little bit. What luck, not only is she pretty but she’s kind of neat as well. She seems to have a nice personality. She likes to go out and have fun. Maybe she can even handle her liquor without getting all slutty with the first skinny-ass motherfucker she sees. (Given my own experience, I wouldn’t count on that last one). Things are looking good, so you ask her out. Oops! turns out she “only wants to be friends.” If she’s not a total hoe, she’ll actually tell you this: “I’m sorry but I only want to be friends.” Of course this is a lie. If she really had class, she would say “Hey I’m sorry but I’m just not interested in you.” But she is none of these things (in my experience they never are). Instead she responds to your advances by talking about what a great guy you are or possibly going out with you “as friends.” So, the question is this: why the hell would she act surprised and offended when you repeatedly try and kick the relationship up a notch? The answer to this question is that women who take offense when you try to get with them are more interested in what you look like than how you act; they don’t really want to be your friend even if they say so, and they probably think they are doing the right thing by not telling you this.

When a woman sizes you up, she is most often making this decision based entirely on how you look. If you are lucky enough to pass this test, then you are pretty much set for life. If not, sorry pal, you’re fucked. There is not a whole lot you can do to get the girl at this point. Anything you do to attract attention (flowers, candy, asking them out again, etc.) will be seen as bad or aggressive behavior on your part. Long story short: how dare you try and get a female you like to be your companion when you have already failed the look test! Now I’m not completely round or anything, but I have seen skinny men get away with shit that would cause the same girl to put a restraining order on me. The girl you like will probably not tell you this, but once you have failed the “do you look skinny and slightly gay” test, you had better not try to get with her any more because it doesn’t matter if you are kind, thoughtful, fun, etc. What’s important is whether or not you look like you could be on Grey’s Anatomy.

If you don’t have the physique a rich young doctor who weighs 120 pounds and hasn’t shaved in two days, your girl will probably tell you that she wants to be “friends” with you. If you know what’s good for you, you will walk away at this point and never talk to her again. The fact of the matter is that she doesn’t want to be your friend at all. She secretly wishes that you would just go away and stop bothering her. She won’t tell you that you have failed the “do you look skinny and slightly gay” test but she doesn’t understand why you don’t go away after having failed. Since you haven’t gone away, she decides that she has to do something with you. Again, she could just put you down and tell you that she’s sorry but she’s not interested, thank you anyway. However, unless she is particularly classy, she will go on telling you what a great guy you are while she secretly fucking hates the fact that you are involved in her life.

The obvious question at this point is “why?” Why would a woman do that? Why would she act like she is interested in me when she is not? The answer is that she thinks she is doing the right thing. It doesn’t make any sense to me either but I believe it really is the case. She probably thinks that she is sparing you by not putting you completely down. Instead she will encourage you to linger around her like some kind of mental patient. She’ll want to spend some little time with you “because you’re so cool and all.” This is really because she feels that she is doing you a service. You didn’t pass the test, but you’re entertaining and funny, so she will give you a little bit of attention as a kind of door prize to make you feel better. Of course, as you well know, this only makes you feel worse, despite the fact that she is trying to do the right thing.

If are searching for a female companion, and you don’t look look like a skinny T.V. doctor, you have a difficult road in front of you. But if you keep a few things in mind, you may fare better than some: Women will not judge you by how you act, so don’t worry about that very much. Just act natural; it’s easier and it will get you just as far as anything else. If a girl wants to be “friends,” go out and get a nice collie dog. The collie will be a better friend than any girl. lastly, don’t go off and do anything crazy. Don’t go postal. When she completely fucks you over by doing things like asking you out for drinks and then bringing the guy she wants to bang and demanding that the two of you have “so much in common,” she actually thinks that she is taking pity and doing something nice for you.

angry facebooking

Here is the text of a message I sent to somebody else on facebook. I think it pretty much speaks for itself. Enjoy.

“Actually the gift was nice, but I’ve decided to unleash the hate in 08.Speaking of which, I almost felt sorry for that cornfed dipshit E brought out monday night. This stupid asshole gets all duded up in his Sunday-come-to-Jesus clothes and she gets all drunk and leaves him to go make out with that faggitty little R kid. Probably sucked his smarmy little dick too. Which leaves dipshit stuck with the fucking parting gift (who no doubt rubbed up against him once or twice just to prime his pump, then sent him on his merry way) Welcome to NIU, fuckface! Now go home and wack off while you cry into your pillow. Ba-Zing!!”

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